Bipolar Personality Syndrome
by Stilleas
Summary: Squall can only say one word, Quistis is a ditz, Cid gets a heart attack, and much, much more. If you enjoyed Ghaleon's Peril, you'll like this, too. (While Ghaleon's peril is my personal favorite, this seems to be the most popular, so read it!)


DISCLAIMER: I do not own FFVIII or anything related to it. Just try and sue me now.  
  
Squall is in Quistis' classroom, Selphie sitting next to him, and Seifer sitting across the aisle, staring at them evilly (is that a word??). As always, Squall's not paying attention to anything.  
  
Selphie: *Leans over to Squall* Hey, Squall, I'm having a Save-the-Malboro Polkathon. Wanna come?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Selphie: Oh, c'mon Squall, it'll be a lotta fun! Please?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Quistis: Squall, are you paying attention?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Quistis: What did you just say to me?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Quistis: That's it. Squall, if you don't behave, I'm gonna have to give you a lunch detention.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Quistis: Okay, Squall, I think you need to go down to the office.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Quistis: Okay, buddy, we're going now!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
  
  
*Cut scene to Cid's room/office. Cid's sitting at his desk, Squall sitting across from him. Quistis is next to him in another chair*  
  
Quistis: Oh, my God! He won't freakin' behave! I was gonna go down to the basketball game, but, like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to now. Right, Cid?  
  
Cid: S-  
  
Quistis: That's totally what I thought! Like, what are we going to do with him?  
  
Cid: Riiiight. I think I may have to fire you now. Could I please have a few minutes alone with Mr. Leonhart?  
  
Quistis: *huffs* Well, fine then! *to self* Gawd, I hate that guy!  
  
Cid: *turns to Squall* Oh-kay. Squall, I think I may be able to solve your problem.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Squall, you have Bipolar Personality Syndrome.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Uh, your room was raided this morning. You own nothing.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: *to self* Crap! Why won't it work?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Bah! Did you just hear me?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Umm, your mother was hit by a forklift.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Rinoa is a lesbian. You have no chance with her.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Seifer finds you physically attractive.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: Balamb Garden is a front for a giant drug-shipping project. You will all be murdered or made into slave laborers in a few months.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: I cut off your personal body organ while you were asleep.  
  
Squall: *looks down into pants and shrugs* Whatever.  
  
Cid: That night you thought you were doing it with Rinoa? That was her dog.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: SON OF SATAN, CHILD, DOES NOTHING PHASE YOU? I SHOULD THROW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cid: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW! GET OUT OF HERE!!! *falls onto the ground, clutching left arm*  
  
Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack! Quick, call Dr. Kado... Kadowa... Kaddowacky!  
  
Squall: It's Kadowaki.  
  
Cid: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!? *blood spews out of his mouth as he has extreme convulsions*  
  
Squall: Whatever. *gets up and leaves*  
  
  
  
*Cut scene to Squall in his room packing, Rinoa is helping*  
  
Rinoa: Squall, what happened in Cid's office? Are you gonna be alright?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: No, not whatever! Talk to me!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: Squall, if you don't start talking to me like a normal human being -or even a sub-normal one, I'm just gonna leave you alone and never speak to you again.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: That's it, Squall! Goodbye!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
  
  
*Squall is now living in the streets of Balamb in a cardboard box*  
  
*Knock, knock, knock! Squall hears someone beating on his box*  
  
???: Hello? Who might you be? I'm the Card Queen!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: What did you say?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: That is so cute! Wanna go out?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: I'll take that as a yes! Meet me here in ten minutes! Dress up nice!  
  
Card Queen: *Walks away*  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: *In the background* Freaking awesome!  
  
  
  
*Ten minutes later*  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Squall: Whatever!  
  
Squall: Whatever!!!!  
  
Squall: Hmm?  
  
Card Queen: Hey, you're still here! Do you like my dress? *She's wearing her normal red dress*  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: You're so sweet! Let's get married!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
  
  
*Cut to a church... no, better yet, the train station! Yeah! Squall is standing at the... uh... staircase, and the Card Queen is, too*  
  
Conductor: Do you, Squall, take dis lady to be your illegally wedded wife?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Conductor: Screw dis, I'll just say it's a yes. And, Card Queen, do you take dis guy to be your illegally wedded husband?  
  
Card Queen: I freakin' do!  
  
Conductor: Yay, we're all happy. Go home.  
  
  
  
*Cut to a nice house in Dollet a year later*  
  
Card Queen: Squall, honey, do you want oatmeal or cream-of-wheat for breakfast?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: That's not an answer.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: Come on, now, I'm serious. That's all you ever say to me!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: Do you even love me anymore?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Card Queen: *In tears* That's it! I wanna divorce! *Runs from room bawling uncontrollably*  
  
  
  
*Three weeks later, back in Balamb, Squall returns to see that his cardboard box is still safe and intact, even in the intense rain that was currently... er... raining. He gladly climbs into it and snuggles up against the heater. Shut up! It's a big box!*  
  
???#1: Oh, yes!  
  
???#2: No more stomach aches for me!  
  
Squall: *Looks out of box and sees-you probably won't guess this one right- Zone and Mrs. Dincht making sweet, sweet monkey love on a park bench in the rain*  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zone: *Looks up and sees Squall* Hey, buddy! *Straightens himself up* Mrs. Dincht and I were just... umm... knifefighting! That's it! Wanna come join us?  
  
Mrs. Dincht: Zonie, don't I get a say in this, schwookums?  
  
Zone: *Whispers* Shut up, honey!  
  
Mrs. Dincht: *Whispers*Oh, I get it!  
  
Zone: So, whaddaya say?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zone: Fine, hurry go away!  
  
Squall: Whatever. *Goes back under box*  
  
  
  
*Months later...*  
  
Irvine: Hey, Squall, you under there?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Irvine: Great! I needed someone to talk to, because this is kinda embarassing to say to most people. But you're a good listener, 'cause you never speak, so I'm tellin' you all of my problems.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Irvine: Uuuuh, yeah. *Starts talking really fast* Anyway, I guess it all started when you guys picked on me at the orphanage. And then, when I left and joined Galbadia Garden, well, their headmaster tried to lop my head off on three different occasions. But that's another story. What I wanna say is... well... I just got back from the doctor, and I have every STD, even the ones that females only get, and about thirty-seven new ones. Lemme tell ya', It's only almost worth it. Oh, crap! I gotta go meet my date! Later, dude!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Irvine: *As he jogs away* Man, that's what I like about you, Squall!  
  
  
  
*Three months later, winter is upon Balamb*  
  
Person Walking By: God, it's so cold out here!  
  
Other Random Person: Yeah, I know!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
*Suddenly, Rinoa appears by Squall*  
  
Rinoa: Squall, I know I said I'd never talk to you again, but I really need you to come and help us all with a problem. It's about Zell. He's got a... Well, it's sort of like a... Just come on, you'll see what I mean!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Rinoa: *Grabs Squall and drags him to Balamb Garden* So, anyway, since Laguna almost married Mom, and his niece was sort of like a sister to you, we would be like cousins, if it weren't for Dad.  
  
Squall: MY GOD!!! SHUT UP!!! Oh, I mean whatever.  
  
*Selphie and Zell are waiting for him outside of the building*  
  
Selphie: Squall, I'm having a Bebop Party for homeless people! Come on! Help the cause and I'll make sure you get an even bigger chunk than you did last year!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zell: Shut up, Selphie!  
  
Rinoa: *To Squall* You know that tatoo Zell's got on his face? Well, we asked him when he got it and he said he didn't remember ever getting one at all, and he says he just woke up and it was on his face one morning, so we told him he should see Dr. Kadowaki about it and when he got there, she was all "Oh, my God," and of course we didn't know what was wrong, so she told us that we should stay as far away from him as possible, so instead, we brought you here to him. I-  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Zell: Squall, uh, I have something to tell you... And everybody else, too. This is not a tatoo. This is a virus that latches onto the face of its victim and slowly sucks the life out of him or her. There is no cure. Fortunately I am the only case. The disease does not die with its victim, but simply moves on. OH GOD!!!!! *Zell suddenly jumps back and falls over dead*  
  
Virus: My name is Surupuli and I have chosen my prey! *Suddenly, Surupuli jumps off of Zell's face and lunges toward Squall, who simmply ducks, allowing it to stick itself to a student who was passing by at the moment. Upon impact, the child is thrown off the edge of the Garden, and into the water several feet below. Seifer, who was walking by, stops to watch*  
  
Seifer: Wow, what are the odds of that?  
  
Rinoa: Oh, no! I t killed Zell!  
  
Squall: Whatever. *Leaves*  
  
And so, Squall's life went down the gutter and he eventually died when Surupuli attacked him in the middle of the night while he was arguing with himself in his cardboard box. Some say that you can still hear the arguing late at night if you listen... Personally, I think that's just a load of crap, and I hope whoever started that rumor gets killed by Surupuli.  
  
~fin  
  
P.S. from the author: My friend Maverick and I wrote the beginning together, but we strayed from the original idea once we got going. So if you liked that, you'll probably also enjoy his, also on this site. Maverick's is called "Squall and the Bipolar Personality Syndrome." 


End file.
